Conflict Management through Tactful and Effective Communication

"Effective conflict management occurs when our communication behavior produces mutual understanding and an outcome that is agreeable to everyone concerned."

- Cahn & Abigail (2014)

Everyone will experience some type of conflict in their lifetime. It could be with your parents, your siblings, your spouse, your children, your boss, or your coworker. It could be with your neighbor, the woman at the grocery store blocking the aisle, the rude waiter, or an irate customer. The list is endless. 

What matters most when conflict arises, is how you choose to manage it.

Six Steps to Conflict Resolution

In Managing Conflict through Communication, Cahn and Abigail (2014) recommend these six steps to conflict resolution:

• Preparation: Identify your problems/needs/issues.
• Arrange for a time and place to meet and talk.
• Interpersonal confrontation: Talk to the other person about your problem.
• Consider your partner's point of view: Listen, empathize, and respond with understanding.
• Resolve the problem: Make a mutually satisfying agreement.
• Follow up on the solution: Set a time limit for reevaluation. 

It is important to begin these steps by first using the Stop-Think, Listen, and Communicate (S-TLC) technique. This simply means to: 

Stop yourself before responding to a conflict. You can do this by:

• Counting to 10 or higher, if needed;
• Walking away from the situation in order to calm down; or
• Taking a few deep breathes and getting a glass of water.

Think before you speak or act. Whatever you say or do next will affect whether or not the situation escalates. Allowing yourself time to think through the situation will:

• Improve the chances of a satisfactory outcome;
• See the situation through a clearer mind and calmer emotions; and 
• Help you decide what your ultimate goal is to resolving the conflict.

Once you have allowed yourself time to calm down and think through the situation, you should arrange a good time to meet and talk with the other person. Remember that each person works through this phase at a different pace. Setting a mutually agreed upon time and place will allow all involved to be prepared for the next steps of the process.

Listen before you say anything. Give the other person a chance to explain how they feel, why they are acting as they are, and what they want. Effective listening includes:

• Closing one's mouth and opening one's ears;
• Keeping eye contact;
• Awareness of non-verbal communication (crossed arms or hands on hips);
• Nodding your head to show that you are listening and understand.

You are not necessarily agreeing with them at this point.

Communicate tactfully and effectively by using "I-Statements" and assertive language. I-statements:

• Help to avoid arousing defensiveness in the other person by taking away blame and accusations;
• Show that each person is taking responsibility for their feelings and actions; and
• Add clarity to what each person is thinking or feeling.

Resolving the Conflict

Reaching a mutually satisfying agreement is the best outcome. Putting the agreement in writing is one way to ensure there are no further misunderstandings in the future, at least on the same topic. However, on some occasions, the people involved in the conflict may have to agree to disagree and move on. If this happens, both parties must learn to let go so the conflict does not continue to cause stress or anxiety.

Finally, it is important to set a time to reevaluate the solution. No matter the circumstance, it is good to go back and evaluate whether the agreement is working because a true resolution is one that is actually carried out. Setting an agreed upon date to come back together will ensure that both parties are ready to move the conversation forward and possibly put the situation to rest once and for all.

Source:
Cahn, D.D., & Abigail, R.A. (2014). Managing conflict through communication (5th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.